Friday, February 29, 2008
Wednesday, February 27, 2008
ADULT SMS
DIRTY
• A loving husband tattooed I LOVE U on his dick n showed it to his wife. She replied: "This is ur old habit of Putting Words Into My Mouth...!"
• What's the geographical definition of sex?It's an action done by Pol-land into Hol-land between Thai-land, occasionally with a little help from Greece!
• Bunny seriously objected to the nomenclature of VAGINA.His objection: Iko cheez ta vajaan wali hai, teh ohnu kehande ne VAJAI NA !
• A woman who arouses a man and leaves is called a Cockteaser. What is a man who does the same called?A Moisturiser.
• Our love will never become cold and hollow unless, one day, you refuse to swallow.
• What is pure Hindi name of Condom??Rubber ki Chiknai yukt Prajanan virodhak mardana Ling ki topi.
• Blonde: I think my tits are full of water.Doctor: How do u figure that?Blonde: Everytime a guy squeezes them my pussy gets wet
• A man was fucking a nurse. She shouts: Aah it's painful.Man: Kamini, daily u r injecting me where I don’t hv hole, I'm putting it in ur hole & u say it hurts
• Latest product in the market: George Bush condoms ideal for fuckers who dont know when to pull out
• Q: Who's senior: Penis or Vagina?A: Vagina, because penis always stands up in its honour..
NAUGHTY
• Sex is evilEvil is sin Sin is forgivenSo let's begin.
• Boy: How much Calcium is there in women's BREAST?Gril: Enough to help a Man's boneless thing stand up.
• Why did Shahid and Kareena break up?Because she wanted to have Saif Sex !
• Why is sex similar to shaving?Well, because no matter how well u do it today, tomorrow u hav to do it again
• First Doc: I had sex with my patient. I'm feeling guiltySecond Doc: It happens in our profession. Take it easy yaar.First Doc: Yeah, but I'm a Veterinary doctor.
• Give an example of Complete business failure due to negligence.A pregnant prostitute.
• A old woman calls the Police department and says: I have a Sex Maniac in my apartment. Pick him up in the morning!
• 25 Uuseless things in a Man's body: 20 Nails you can't Hammer, 2 Tits you can't Milk, 1 Cock that doesn't Crow, and 2 Balls you can't Throw !!
• A man is a king. A king is a ruler. A ruler is 12 inches.Are you a man?"
• Boy to girl in a party: Kitne bhai behen ho!Girl: SixBoy: Maa Baap ko aur koi kaam nahi tha kya?Girl: Tum kitne ho?Boy: OneGirl: Baap me dam nahi tha kya?
• Monica Lewinsky turned 31. How time flies! It seems like yesteraday when she was crawling around the White House on her hands n knees puttin everything in her mouth!
• What is similarity between sex n shave?If u don't do it for 4-5 days, it starts showing on d face.
• What's the height of bad luck?Having sex in dreams and getting AIDS in real life...!
• What's the similarity between women & folding chair?Both are useless unless until u don't open their legs.
• Stock broker catches wife in bed with other man: What's going on?Wife: Due to boom in market & ur less investment capacity, honey I've gone for PUBLIC ISSUE!
• Jack: It's just too hot to wear clothes today, but what would the neighbors think if I mowed the lawn naked?Wife: That I married u for ur money.
• 90 sal ke Buddhe Ne Viagra kharidi aur medical wale se puchha 'Kaise Leni hai?'Dukandar ne upar se niche tak dekha aur kaha: Tulsi Aur Gangajal ke Sath Lo.
• During war, enemy soldier sees 3 nuns. He says I want revenge & remoevd his pants. Young nun requested Plz spare older Nun.Older nun: Shut up u Bitch, War is War.
• The saddest part of a Man's body is his Balls. The Lord Almighty sentenced them to : Hang Till Death !
• Teacher: What do u know about Sensex?Pappu When we have sex with Riya Sen, Raima Sen, Rimi Sen, Konkana Sen & Sushmita Sen etc. it's called Sen SeX
SHAYARI
• Badi hasrat thi ki kholein unki salwaar ka nara,Sanam ki berukhi dekho ki nangey hi chale aye, Wah wah wah
• Kashti toofan se nikal sakti hai,Taqdeer kisi bhi waqt bhi badal sakti hai,Hausla rakh, channel na badal,SANIA MIRZA kisi bhi waqt Jhuk sakti hai
• Ansoo tere nikale to aankhein meri ho,Dil tera dhadke to dhadkan meri ho,Khuda kare ki apni dosti itni gehari ho,Baap tu bane to Mehanat meri ho!
• Kya aap SEX karte hai,Kya aap CONDOM use karte hain,Kya aap AIDS se darte hai,To aap HATH se Q nahi karte hai,HATH chale to AIDS tale.
• Door gaon mein ek basti thi,Wahan ki ladkiyan bahut sasti thi,Unki ga#d mein itni masti thi,Jitna dalo utna hasti thi.,But why r u smiling?
• Mangta hoon to deti nahin ho: JAWAB MERI BAAT KADeti ho to khada ho jata hai: ROM-ROM JAZBAAT KAKyon bolti ho ke dheere se daalo: BALON MAIN PHOOL GULAB KA.
• Arz kiya hai:I am a dog and u r a flower,gaur farmaiega I am a dog and u r a flower,so let me lift my leg n give u a shower!
• Paro aur chandramuki ka noor app pe barse, har koi aapke sath sone ko tarse,aapke jeevan me aaye itni ladkiyan,ki app CHADDI pahen ne ko tarse.
MARITAL WOES
• A man was charged with Necrophilia (having sex with a dead woman). The judge said; I havn’t seen such disgusting case in 20 years. Can you give me one good reason why you did it?Man: I can give 3 reasons.It’ non of ur business, she was my wife and I didn’t know she was dead as she always acted like that.
• Pappu meets his father in red light area. Pappu: Papa aap yahan?Father: Bus beta ab 200-300 Rs ki cheez k liye teri maa k nakhre nahi sahe jate.
• Wives are funny creatures. They don't have sex with their husbands for weeks and then they want to kill the woman who does.
• Man: Sex ho jaye?Wife: No.Man: Jewar le dunga.Wife: No.Man: Car le dunga.Wife: No, No, No.Beta so raha tha, bich me bola, Meri marlo, Cycle la dena.
• Letter to mom by her daughter a month after her marriage: Fine here mom, but one problem... my husband keeps on fucking me all the time... while bathing, cooking, dish washing even while washing, Ironing clothes! I'm fucked up mom... Any idea to control his urges? Sorry for the SHAKY HANDWRITING.
• What is a man's definition of foreplay?Half an hour of serious begging!
• Every married man keeps wondering every evening: Should I go out and look at what I cannot fuck or....Stay home and fuck what I cannot look at....
• A man stands nude in front of a mirror n examines himself: I wish 2 inches more & I'll b a king.Wife sitting behind: I think 2 inches less & u’ll b a queen.
• Wife bought a new transparent Bra, wore in front of her hubby.Hubby: Issme tum bahut sexy lag rahi ho.Wife: Pata hai ! Salesman bhi yehi keh raha tha.
• Q: Why do most women sleep in the afternoon ?A: So that they can screw the tired man all night and blame him for poor performance!!
FLIRT
• Of all the babes u r my selection. Please don't giv me a rejection. My teeth are clean for ur inspection so give my mouth a tongue injection!
• I have spent many sleepless nights in ur luv & I don't want to my son to do the same for ur daughter. So, lets make them brother n sister
• Do you like maths?If so add a bed, subtract ur clothes, divide your legs and we can multiply!
• Sex is gud sex is fine, doggy style or 69,just for fun or getting paid everyone luvs getting laid,So if u want me in the sack, lick ur lips n text me back
• A smile to put you on a high... A kiss to set your soul all right... Would it be all right if I spent tonight being loved by you???
• Roses are red, violets are blue,Shorter the skirt better the view.
• Sex is fun. sex is fine,Doggy style or 69,Just 4 fun or getting paid,Everyone loves getting laid,So if u want me in the sack,Just lick ur lips & text me back.
• God created the world in SIX days, but took him centuries to come up with someone...as HOT...as SEXY... as Fuckable...as YOU!
• You are cute, you are adorable, sexy, n great,Now I broke the ice, would you like to mate?
• Sex is good, sex is fine. Doggy style or 69. Just 4 fun or getting paid, everyone loves getting laid. So if u want me in the sack, lick ur lips n text me back.
Tuesday, February 26, 2008
God of Big Matters
Santa: Ah! It is the month of Diwali. Oh! What a bash I am going to have! Hurrah!
Webmaster: Calm down Santaji, Diwali is still some days away and we better devote ourselves to what's current.
Santa: I am going to send 'current' into you and blow you up on Dusshera, you demon, the green-eyed monster!
Webmaster: Oh! Oh! Why this loss of temper early in the morning. Santaji, the God of Big Matters, why do you take offence at such trivial things?
Santa: Is it another bestseller from Arunadhati Roy?
Webmaster: Why Arunadhati or any-other-Roy, you are always a bestseller. Selling best, soaring charts and topping the record books.
Santa: Enough. Enough of this flattery. Let us talk sense.
Webmaster: Actually Santaji, as you are always in know of everything, I want to know what this Ludhiana City Centre talk is about.
Santa: You will never understand the nitty gritty of it, suffice to say that it is all about the ministers having a butter chicken, while the public is made to settle for Moong ki Dal.
Webmaster: But Sir, even Moong ki Daal is getting out of the reach of people. What will people eat in future?
Santa: Dust with dollops of cricket! Add to that some chutney of Bollywood and a recipe for the masses is ready.
Webmaster: Yes, with Bollywood and cricket around our people need nothing else.
Santa: Look at the way the nation comes to a grinding halt whenever India is vying with its own incompetence, for the lowly third position, in any of the ABC Triangular series matches.
Webmaster: We fare no better elsewhere. In hockey, we had to settle for the wooden spoon.
Santa: The Indian Hockey Federation, however, is doing one great job. It keeps the 'Top Cop' leashed so that he doesn't move about spanking bums.
Webmaster: Agreed even that is a favour but quite an expensive one.
Santa: No favour is expensive. You get expertise at a price. It is only me who lent his name free of cost to you.
Webmaster: What about the hundred things I have to listen from you everyday @#%$#*. You can't say you are giving your services free of cost.
Santa: You don't have a choice here buddy. There is none who is wittier than me, there is none who is more knowledgeable than me, there is none who is more dynamic than me, there is none who is…
Webmaster: More boastful than you…
Santa: Shut up. There is none more idiotic than you.
Webmaster: You are hell bent upon kicking your bread and butter.
Santa: Not till your kind self is gracious enough. Long live Santa.
Webmaster: Jai Hind.
Santa: Ah! It is the month of Diwali. Oh! What a bash I am going to have! Hurrah!
Webmaster: Calm down Santaji, Diwali is still some days away and we better devote ourselves to what's current.
Santa: I am going to send 'current' into you and blow you up on Dusshera, you demon, the green-eyed monster!
Webmaster: Oh! Oh! Why this loss of temper early in the morning. Santaji, the God of Big Matters, why do you take offence at such trivial things?
Santa: Is it another bestseller from Arunadhati Roy?
Webmaster: Why Arunadhati or any-other-Roy, you are always a bestseller. Selling best, soaring charts and topping the record books.
Santa: Enough. Enough of this flattery. Let us talk sense.
Webmaster: Actually Santaji, as you are always in know of everything, I want to know what this Ludhiana City Centre talk is about.
Santa: You will never understand the nitty gritty of it, suffice to say that it is all about the ministers having a butter chicken, while the public is made to settle for Moong ki Dal.
Webmaster: But Sir, even Moong ki Daal is getting out of the reach of people. What will people eat in future?
Santa: Dust with dollops of cricket! Add to that some chutney of Bollywood and a recipe for the masses is ready.
Webmaster: Yes, with Bollywood and cricket around our people need nothing else.
Santa: Look at the way the nation comes to a grinding halt whenever India is vying with its own incompetence, for the lowly third position, in any of the ABC Triangular series matches.
Webmaster: We fare no better elsewhere. In hockey, we had to settle for the wooden spoon.
Santa: The Indian Hockey Federation, however, is doing one great job. It keeps the 'Top Cop' leashed so that he doesn't move about spanking bums.
Webmaster: Agreed even that is a favour but quite an expensive one.
Santa: No favour is expensive. You get expertise at a price. It is only me who lent his name free of cost to you.
Webmaster: What about the hundred things I have to listen from you everyday @#%$#*. You can't say you are giving your services free of cost.
Santa: You don't have a choice here buddy. There is none who is wittier than me, there is none who is more knowledgeable than me, there is none who is more dynamic than me, there is none who is…
Webmaster: More boastful than you…
Santa: Shut up. There is none more idiotic than you.
Webmaster: You are hell bent upon kicking your bread and butter.
Santa: Not till your kind self is gracious enough. Long live Santa.
Webmaster: Jai Hind.
BIG B -REKHA
Big B- Rekha together again?
It seems like a rare possibility but according to the latest buzz in Bolyywood Big B and Rekha might come together again after a gap of 26 years.Though its not confirmed yet whether they will have any scenes together, but reports say that Bachchan and Rekha will again come together in Sujoy Ghosh 's Aladdin. The film will also star Sanjay Dutt , Ritesh Deshmukh and Juhi Chawla.Big B will play the role of a genie and Ritesh will be playing Aladdin. Rekha will have an equally important role in the movie.The shooting of the film will start from next month. The last time Bachchan and Rekha were seen on screen was in Yash Chopra's Silsila, in 1981.
Pamela
Pamela cut a Fake Cake during her Wedding
Pamela Anderson’s one and a half hour wedding to her friend of fifteen years Rick Salomon Saturday, October 6, was arranged in such a hurry, that she wore a white denim miniskirt and the wedding cake was made of cardboard.The wedding in a private villa at Las Vegas' Mirage Hotel and Casino took place in between two performances of Hans Klok's magic show, where she is the assistant, reports E! Online.The wedding planners were only given a day’s notice and the best they could come up with in that time was a four-tier cardboard cake!A source told US TV channel E!: "Pamela and Rick had a fake four-tier wedding cake. It was made from cardboard because planners weren't able to find a real one in time. They were apparently only given a day to prepare."The hotel's Stack restaurant provided the 60 guests - including Tobey Maguire, magician Hanks Klok, Pamela's sons, Brandon, 11, and nine-year-old Dylan, and Rick's daughters, Hunter, 11, and Tyson, nine - with pigs in blankets, macaroni cheese, tuna and lobster tacos and 10 bottles of Cristal champagne.As soon as the wedding was completed Pamela dashed back for her second appearance of the night and shared the news with the audience."Hello, I just got married - I did. I'm distracted. It's a big day. A big day at the office."Guests continued partying late into the night at the Mirage hotel's Jet nightclub.The marriage happens to be the third for both of them, with the mum of two’s earlier marriages include Tommy Lee and Kid Rock, while Salomon was married to actresses Shannen Doherty and Elizabeth Daily.
"Katrina:No valentine with Sallu"
Bollywood actor Katrina Kaif, who gave a string of hits last year but couldn't manage to earn a single nomination in the best actress category in any of the major awards, says she is unfazed as long as her fans are happy with her work.How unfair can life be? I wasn't even nominated for the best actress category,' quipped Katrina and added: 'however, in the STAR Gold's Idea Sabsey Favourite Kaun 2008 awards, my fans voted me their Sabsey Favourite Heroine.''If my audience and fans appreciate my work and are with me, what else I can ask for?' said the actress, who was in the capital on Friday to launch Mayar Group's a+ MediSpa, a medical spa.She forayed in filmdom with 'Boom' and after about a dozen flops, the ice maiden struck gold with four blockbusters - 'Namastey London', 'Apne', 'Partner' and 'Welcome'.Currently busy shooting for 'Race', 'Main Yuvraj' and Siddharth Anand's yet-to-be titled film, how does the busy bee unwind herself?'Take off the costume and make-up as soon as the shoot is over! And get a spa treatment. It is extremely relaxing. Unfortunately, the kind of lifestyle and schedule we have, we hardly get time,' says the actress.'Not only actors, but I have seen a lot of directors and journalists with skin problems and believe me, all that can be cured by a spa treatment,' she claimed. The actress also said very few people know the difference between being fit and healthy.'It is not only important to be fit and look good; one must feel good from inside and that can happen only if you are healthy.For instance, our cooks put a lot of oil in our food, which increases the cholesterol level and is bad for health. How many of us are aware of it and take care,' the actress says.'Hence, in an industry where we use a lot of make-up and a fast moving world it is extremely important to take care of the skin and health. Do pamper yourself,' stressed Katrina.Commenting on her Valentines Day plans she said: 'I would be in Las Vegas on V-Day. I am going there to attend an Indian cultural festival.'
Britney's Homemade Sex Tapes Robbed
The burglars who raided Britney's Beverly Hills home Friday night went for Britney's collection of raunchy homemade sex tapes and a selection of the singer's steamiest photographs rather than cash and jewelry.Also missing are some of the uniforms Britney allegedly wears for kinky sex games and personal pictures of her sons, two-year-old Sean Preston, and one-year-old Jayden James, were also taken."Some people might have gone first for the cash and jewelry, but these guys went first for all Britney's personal stuff," an insider told the Daily Star."They seemed to know in the long run this will be worth far more to them, if they can sell it to the highest bidder."Britney is beside herself with worry - having your home broken into is bad enough for anybody, but when you're famous and you have had some pretty personal things taken, it's 10 times worse,' the source said.The 25-year-old star discovered that her $6 million gated property had been burgled when she returned home from a night out at the five-star Peninsula Beverly Hills hotel at around 2am early Saturday morning.However, this is not the first time the 'Toxic' star has been hit by a sex tape scandal.Last week, a 26-year-old man claimed that he had recorded the singer having sex in Hawaii.In 2006, a clip showing the 25-year-old performing a sex act on ex-husband Kevin Federline appeared.
AISH
Now that she has schools named after her, we hear Ash is getting all prudish and refusing to do anything steamy on screen. Has she forgotten the Dhoom 2 microminis?
HOLLYWOOD
Marion best actress, 'No Country' leads Oscars
France's Marion Cotillard was crowned best actress at the 80th Academy Awards
here Sunday as violent thriller "No Country for Old Men" bagged two early
Oscars.Cotillard, 32, won for her astounding performance as tragic chanteuse
Edith Piaf in "La Vie En Rose," becoming the first Frenchwoman to win the best
actress Oscar since Simone Signoret in 1960.It was the only second time in
Oscars history that the best actress award had gone to a performance in a
non-English speaking role. Italian legend Sophia Loren was the other woman to
achieve the feat in 1962.Cotillard, who received the award from 2007 best actor
Forest Whitaker, paid tribute to her director before exclaiming: "Thank you
life, thank you love. It is true that there are some angels in this city. Thank
you so, so much."In other early honors, pre-Oscars favorite "No Country for Old
Men" took an early lead in the overall awards stakes by winning two statuettes
in the best supporting actor and adapted screenplay categories.Javier Bardem
became the first performer from Spain ever to win an acting Oscar for his
portrayal of a psychopathic hitman in the film."This is pretty amazing, it's a
great honor for me to have this," Bardem told guests in his acceptance
speech."Thank you to the Coens for being crazy enough to think that I could do
that and put one of the most horrible haircuts in history on my head," he added,
referring to the bizarre coiffure given to his character in the film.The film's
directors -- Joel and Ethan Coen -- later won the best adapted screenplay Oscar
for "No Country for Old Men."Britain's Tilda Swinton was crowned best supporting
actress for her performance as a scheming corporate legal chief in the drama
"Michael Clayton.""Oh, no. Happy birthday, man," Swinton said, clutching her
Oscar statuette. "I have an American agent who is the spitting image of this.
Really truly the same shape head and, it has to be said, the buttocks."In other
early awards, Disney-Pixar's "Ratatouille", about a Parisian rat who attempts to
become a master-chef, won the best animated feature Oscar.Earlier, dark clouds
and rain failed to put a dampener on the movie industry's biggest party of the
year as stars lit up the red carpet.Streets around the venue were cordoned off
as authorities draped a security blanket over the neighborhood where guests
arrived on a red carpet that has been shielded by a waterproof canopy.The Oscars
are expected to be carved up between several violent movies, with the
eight-times nominated "No Country for Old Men" heading the field and its
directors, the Coen brothers, eyeing a place in history.Oscar host Jon Stewart
quipped about the crop of "Oscar-nominated psychopathic killer movies" in his
opening monologue."Does this town need a hug? What happened? 'No Country For Old
Men?' 'Sweeney Todd?' 'There Will Be Blood?' All I can say is, thank God for
teen pregnancy. I think the country agrees," Stewart said in a nod to best
picture nominee "Juno."The Coens could set a new record if they sweep all four
categories they have been personally nominated in -- best picture as producers,
director, adapted screenplay and editing.It would be the first time ever that
anyone has won four Academy Awards for the same film in one year, although Walt
Disney scooped four Oscars for different projects in 1953.On paper, "No Country
for Old Men's" biggest rival is the eight-time nominated oil industry epic
"There Will Be Blood," which is joined in the best picture category by legal
thriller "Michael Clayton," historical drama "Atonement" and comedy
"Juno."Beyond the contests for best picture and best director clear
front-runners have emerged in most of the acting categories.Daniel Day-Lewis is
regarded as a shoo-in to win the second best actor statuette of his career for
playing an oil baron in "There Will Be Blood," ahead of George Clooney ("Michael
Clayton") and Tommy Lee Jones for "In the Valley of Elah."This year's Oscars are
taking place after months of uncertainty following the Hollywood screenwriters
strike that wreaked havoc with the entertainment industry's awards season.The
Golden Globes were canceled after stars vowed to boycott the event in support of
striking writers and fears of a similar no-show had plagued the Oscars until the
strike was called off earlier this month.
Bollywood stars usually discover on-screen morals late in life. Back in their early days, hunting for a break, our actresses shed their clothes -- and inhibitions -- gladly, but cinema lasts forever, and here's a look at some heroines who now declare they want to behave themselves on screen: Ayesha Takia
She walked out of a Nagesh Kukunoor film simply because she didn't want to kiss on screen, but what about the time the buxom babe shared a liplock with Vatsal Seth in Tarzan?
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JOLIE & ANISTON
Jolie and Aniston can't see eye to eye
Superstar Angelina Jolie avoided running into partner Brad Pitt's ex-wife Jennifer Aniston at the pre Oscar party by deciding to attend another event instead.While Aniston went to the Beverly Hills Hotel to benefit the Motion Picture Television Fund, Jolie and Pitt attended the Independent Spirit awards, pagesix.com reports. Others celebrities attending pre Oscar party included George Clooney, Seal with Heidi Klum and Jake Gyllenhaal. Aniston left after an hour and went back to her private bungalow at the hotel. Pitt and Aniston were married before they split in 2005. Pitt is now involved with Jolie and they have children together.
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